you made me a trekkie-

was watching the 2009 Star Trek movie and found that I was unable to watch beyond the death scene of George Kirk. really disturbed right now as I really like Star Trek a lot and I don't want start to avoid it like some other movie/novel.

seriously man.

lies, deception and escapism-

am I really progressing or am I just deceiving myself.
what did I do to myself/my life in the past one year??
If I had seen this coming why am I struggling so badly??


世界若是那么大   为何我要忘你   无处逃?
世界若是那么小   为何我的真心   你听不到?


bullshit, ben, you're just full of bullshit.

to my lost best friend-

As much as I've been working hard in the past month to keep myself busy and positive, there are just times when I simply cannot keep up with myself.

Just read this piece that made me think a lot and (to be honest) feel quite awful right now:

Hey there, stranger.

It’s been a very long time, which I’m sure you’re aware of. I’d like to say that it was your decision alone to keep this distance, but I think we both know it was for the best. I’d like to say that I’m glad you are well, but as we both know I have absolutely no idea how you are. The one thing that can definitely be said is that when we cut ties, we leave no strand behind, but slice right through until we no longer remember how to find each other. It’s amazing to think that once we were inseparable, the best of friends.

You knew me inside and out, and I, you. We were there for each other in the best of times and through the most difficult of times. We definitely managed to put each other through hell on occasion, but when support was needed the most, support was given. Until, of course, that final day. I sometimes find myself wondering why we couldn’t stay in touch. Would it be so bad if we got together for coffee from time to time? Or if we gave each other a ring to see how the other was doing?

Using the phone to make calls has become archaic, but surely we could send a text to wish each other a happy birthday? Or a happy New Year? I mean, we’ve been through so much. You are a part of my life and there is nothing I can do to ever change that.

You can’t be forgotten because forgetting you would be like forgetting myself — impossible. But then again, maybe you are right. Maybe we are better off as far apart as possible. We know we aren’t right for each other. We know it would never work, and we know the friendship we have — we had — created a bond that would make slipping back into romance too easy. It would make repeating the same mistakes too likely, repeating the same heartbreak certain. That’s what it really comes down to: It’s not my heart that I’m worried about, but yours. Breaking my own heart would be my responsibility to bear, but I can’t once again be responsible for breaking yours.

So all that I can do is wish you the best. Wish you a great, bright, loving future. Wish you to find the lover of your dreams and to create a lifetime of your fantasies. I wish for you to find a friend as great as me, but a much better partner. One who won’t drag you through the mud. One who you won’t feel the need to bury with guilt. I wish you all the best and although you will never read this, although we will never speak to each other again, and although you are out of my life forever, I wish you nothing short of happiness.

Never again to be yours, 

Your Lost Best Friend

[Hudson, P. (2014). An Open Letter To My Ex: How A Best Friend Becomes A Stranger. http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/an-open-letter-to-my-ex-how-a-best-friend-becomes-a-stranger/]

... I wish I knew how you are right now. ):

for He is risen today-

Easter greetings from Venice!
Arrived at 5.30am in the morning and have nowhere to go because I cannot check-in to my accomodation yet, so sitting in Macdonald's now.

Had this hymn ringing in my head all morning and was humming it to myself (I probably looked like a madman) while walking/roaming around Venice in the early morning:

基督耶稣今复活  哈利路亚
天使世人齐述说  哈利路亚
快乐凯歌声高扬  哈利路亚
诸天大地同唱和  哈利路亚

荣耀君王墓中起  哈利路亚
死啊 毒钩在哪里 哈利路亚
主献身救众灵魂  哈利路亚
死亡权势今何存  哈利路亚

爱之救赎已完成  哈利路亚
战争完毕获全胜  哈利路亚
死亡岂能封主坟  哈利路亚
基督开了乐园门  哈利路亚


feeling slightly joyous and very 感恩 today.
still feeling very apologetic (to you) for what happened yesterday though, 对不起 :/

insufficient apologies-

I'm sorry I was so harsh with my words. Suddenly thought what if it happened to me/how I would react and that thought suddenly felt too much for me to handle.

I still hope you are fine. I'm very sorry, please take care.

it makes my day to make yours-

spent my saturday morning two weeks ago hard at work, doing some things to hopefully brighten up the days of the people close/important to me.

these efforts are never in vain. neither is anything expected in return. all I hope is that when each of you receive it, it brings up a smile on your face, or gives you some warmth in your heart; even if it's for a really brief moment. (,:

this probably is the only way to let you all know that I love each and every one of you, and to thank all of you for being in my life <3



auntie: you were right. knowing that you have brightened up someone's day really makes us happy (: stay happy alright? ^^

that one again-

so glad that 关怀方式 made it to #110 of the U选一千 list. a little sad that not a lot of people actually credit 蔡礼莲 as the original singer for that song since most people think 朱茵 sang it :/

#109 made me jump and mute my computer immediately. again for reasons unknown I still feel the fear for listening to/hearing that song. I'm functioning okay as things are right now I really don't want/need it to screw up my day. maybe one day it will be just another song to me, but not today, sorry.

maybe it's a sign to stop procrastinating and leave my house right now to print my air tickets D:

that is where your gifts lie-

"there are so many opportunities to serve.
choose the opportunities which bring the most joy to your heart. that is where your gifts lie."

... where is it exactly? is it really where I think it is, or am I just leading myself to think that way?

weakness-

i'm really sorry. couldn't control my moment of mental weakness. sorry.

awake-

worst dream/nightmare since I got here. F*** myself.

overheard on air-

some food for thought-

当一个人是你所爱的, 他的眼泪会让你心碎, 无助；
当他不再是你所爱的时候, 同样的眼泪将让你无动于衷。

爱一个人, 是不是难免 会陪上眼泪的呢?

...

你是否，曾有过一个会为了你而掉泪的人呢?

你值得真正的快乐-

 

 

人群中哭着   你只想变成透明的颜色

你再也不会梦或痛或心动了

你已经决定了   你已经决定了

你静静忍着   紧紧把昨天在拳心握着

而回忆越是甜   就是越伤人了

越是在手心留下   密密麻麻   深深浅浅的刀割

 

你不是真正的快乐

你的笑只是你穿的保护色

你决定不恨了   也决定不爱了

把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳

 

这世界笑了   于是你合群地一起笑了

当生存是规则   不是你的选择

于是你含着眼泪   飘飘荡荡   跌跌撞撞地走着

 

你不是真正的快乐

你的笑只是你穿的保护色

你决定不恨了   也决定不爱了

把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳

 

你不是真正的快乐

你的伤从不肯完全的愈合

我站在你左侧   却像隔着银河

难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了

然后才后悔着

 

你值得真正的快乐

你应该脱下你穿的保护色

为什么失去了   还要被惩罚呢

能不能就让悲伤全部结束在此刻

重新开始活着

 

to the one who took the pains to share your story - I dedicate the very last stanza to you;

let this be a reminder to both of us, jiayou :)

convenience-

finally decided to try the mobile blogger app instead of using irritating mobile chrome every single time I blog using my phone. the GUI is a bit too simple but at least it gets things done.

went to play badminton in school on a sunday morning but the multi-purpose hall was booked. So we set up a make-shift court in the dance studio using rubber tapes/bands as the court lines, and poles with tied bands stuck on dumbbell weights as our net :,D
dance studio ceiling was really short so we had half of our shuttlecocks stuck above, and spent a lot of time after throwing boxing gloves attached to rubber bands to try to get the shuttlecocks.
healthy/active lifestyle does work better in keeping me occupied and think less --> feel better (:

 

to you: I hope you aren't offended/angry/awkward after what I said, this was why I tried so hard to phrase my "answers" to you properly so much so that it forever seems like a roundabout mess of rubbish.
my answer in short (which I hope you will not see): I think I take long to move on to others, but that's only because you're still special to me? I don't think there's anything to 'fight/compete' with/about, after so many years I thought you would know that best. in the case that you still happen to see this, I hope you finally know what I'm talking about.

buck up-

my source of comfort when I feel moody/down:

listening to this always gives me a 说不出来的安慰, especially when I'm feeling moody/down or weary. sometimes we need to have the faith of little children; the innocent, undoubting faith.

very thankful for the people I've met/friends I've made the past few days, be it during SG Day (yes you, really very thankful for friends like you), on the megabus trip to Brussels, on the day trip to Ghent and Brugge, or in Brussels itself. the past trip has led to me thinking and learning a lot about what I'm subjecting myself to, and what I actually want for myself/in my life.

time to buck up, ben-


p.s. that was my nephew singing <3