好好说再见-

我爱过你笑的脸庞
我爱过你心的善良
这些年有你的时光
把我的孤独都照亮

我记得你说过的话 (时间留不住一句话)
我记得曾为你疯狂 (何时过了年少轻狂)
当情太深而缘太浅 (当你离开我的世界)
至少要好好说再见 (要怎么好好说再见)

一直以为真爱能直到永远
彼此相爱的每一天都是永远
一直以为我们有同一个明天
你曾是我的世界不完整的世界

如果花谢了会再开
如果错了的还能改
这些年累积的关怀
怎能说不在就不在

感情不该一直受伤 (为何爱总是带着伤)
我不愿让你再失望 (有期望才会有失望)
当幸福碎成一片片 (一颗心碎成一片片)
至少要好好说再见 (要怎么好好说再见)

一直以为真爱能直到永远
彼此相爱的每一天都是永远
一直以为我们有同一个明天
你曾是我的世界不完整的世界

相信你会过得更好(我还不想把你忘掉)
别丢弃你无邪的笑(再见面还可以拥抱)

我记得你说过的话 (时间留不住一句话)
我记得曾为你疯狂 (何时过了年少轻狂)
当爱情不再像从前 (你永远是我的从前)
原谅我沉默的再见

what if-

 

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

there will always be-

masking it all with a façade of indifference all this while is ultimately painful, but I'm only doing so with the hope that it will make life easier for you.

... in my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life.

simple thoughts-

"i hope to find a kind life partner ^^" (Auntie, 2014).

This simple line actually triggered a lot of thoughts within me - what i hope/want/pray for, etc. Then it struck me that sometimes, it can be as simple as "kind", like how auntie bai puts it.

I guess for me it would probably be... "i hope to find a 爱家的 life partner". Hahah.

just randomly-

突然好想你
你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈?

things I wanted to say but couldn't-

Bumping into you at the graduate studies talk today made me realise why everything happened the way it did two years ago.

Never knew you were keen to further your studies/interested in research but I'm glad you're considering (for yourself, that is). Never let that attractive determined nature of yours disappear please.

I'm sorry I didn't know how to react when I saw you. I honestly wanted to smile and nod, but I just couldn't. Give me time, one day I will be able to smile and nod at you like a stranger.

That aside, only 20 weeks left to go. 加油 for whatever you are doing and good luck if you're applying.

this too shall pass-

as I was on my way to school for biomaterials test today I saw/read this, which was one of my favourite verses, and it sparked a moment of reflection during my 20-minute bus ride:

因为他的怒气不过是转眼之间; 他的恩典乃是一生之久。

一宿虽然有哭泣, 早晨便必欢呼。

(诗30:5) 

the past four weeks haven't exactly been easy.
not because work has been hectic - in fact this is my slackest semester in four years,
but because of my personal struggles - with myself, with my thoughts, with God, etc.

I am thankful for the people you have placed around me recently Lord, be it close friends or brothers/sisters in Christ in my course, and for consistently reminding me of Your love and faithfulness when I am down, even though I tend to turn a blind eye to these small reminders.

想你就写信-

虽然我们已不在一起,
但每次看到你,
心里还是有非常多的感叹。
希望你快乐。
我真的很想你。
-Ping, 28 August 2014

真的好难-

妳说妳还是喜欢孤单
其实妳怕被我看穿
妳怕属于我们的船
漂漂荡荡靠不了岸

事到如今没有答案
我的真心为妳牵绊
不管相见的夜多么难堪
简简单单的说   爱是不爱

想要把妳忘记真的好难
思念的痛在我心里纠缠
朝朝暮暮的期盼   永远没有答案
为何当初   妳选择一刀两断

听妳说声爱我真的好难
曾经说过的话风吹云散
站在天秤的两端   一样的为难
唯一的答案   爱一个人好难

shut up-

Can people stop playing the damn song on radio? It's not that nice so stop playing it damnit.

好想你-

开了灯   眼前的模样
偌大的房   寂寞的床
关了灯   全都一个样
心里的伤   无法分享

生命
随年月流去   随白发老去
随着你离去   快乐渺无音讯
随往事淡去   随梦境睡去
随麻痺的心逐渐远去

我好想你   好想你   却不露痕迹
我还踮着脚思念   我还任记忆盘旋
我还闭着眼流泪   我还装作无所谓

我好想你   好想你   却欺骗自己
我好想你   好想你   就当作秘密
我好想你   好想你   就深藏在心

painful irony-

the painful irony and myriad of mixed feelings as I drive past a walking you in the carpark and I have to act like I didn't see/notice you, while you acted like you didn't recognise the car.

no mood to go back to lab after lesson, came home to rot instead.

nothing is fair in life-

我不服气。
我真的，真的不服气。

习惯-

景物依旧  人事已非
近一年了  也是时候学习习惯一个人的感觉
I will get used to this, and shift my focus back onto things that matter.
Back to lab I go.

unfazed-

I think it's a matter of principle.
I've gotten much better with handling myself in situations like these anyway.

side effects of OH-

even watching commonwealth RG is painful.

you win-

除了心寒, 只有失望。
只怪自己当初的倔强。

二十字述心声-

heard this phrase yesterday. twenty simple words, but a whole lot of 含意:
"遇一人白首,  择一城终老,  予一己真心,  盼一生偕老。"

such a simple, yet somewhat difficult, dream/ideal. think about it.

food for thought-

"Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay and who you refuse to let go."

again and again-

out driving alone late at night because you're feeling down and tired of wearing a mask.
 

每当你以为开心的时候-

it is at times like these that life gives you a kick in the teeth. thanks.

自欺欺人-

An excerpt from "5 Lies I Used to Believe About Being A Christian" (Speegle, T., n.d.):

"3. You Shouldn't Express Your Struggles or Doubts.

Sometimes the Christian life is hard. At times, there are no easy answers or explanations. Instead of suppressing our doubts and struggles, we should admit them to God and ask others to help us walk through them.

David was a man after God’s own heart, and he often openly expressed his doubts and struggles during times of hardship. Being honest and open about your struggles doesn’t make you less spiritual, it actually draws you closer to God because it forces you to get rid of your pride and self-sufficiency.

You don’t overcome the difficulties of life by ignoring the struggle; you overcome them by inviting God to work in those areas (Psalm 43:5)! What good is it if you have everyone fooled except for God?"

mind-

please stop wrestling with me, I'm very tired already, can't suppress you much longer.

怎么办-

是时候回家了
终于快回家了
但... 突然又有好怕回家的念头 :/

error recovery-

但是我只想和唯一的人
不管排多少次队
不管看到的是白天、黄昏
甚至是无灯的夜晚...
我都只想和她在一起。

... some lines from Sam that I empathise greatly with. if you knew the context/origin of these lines you would know the last line too. human factors in aviation safety and error recovery are actually more applicable to our everyday lives than we know it.

下决心再要逆风飞-

光阴不会往后退   应抛开伤心抑怨
愿我会拭干眼中泪
天空海阔我共你   再领略人生的美
云外看   新生趣

光阴不会往后退   应抛开伤心忆记
愿再试高飞的滋味
天空海阔我共你   再领略人生的美
云外看   新生趣

我心深处谁人晓-

心里最深处的欲望往往在不自觉中透露

偶尔倒希望自己有相同的机会
但或许对他人来说, 这些心里话反倒是白目不堪
尽是无心也罢
往后还是收敛点好
心里话与那最深处的希望, 无需他人知, 往肚里吞就可



对不起.

mental ramblings-

some phrase from TC got me thinking:
“Do you love me because you need me, or do you need me because you love me?”

if whoever posted that phrase thought it was unforgettable, what about:
“You're not in love with me. You're in love with your mental image/idea of me.”

you would never read this but I was never in love with a mental image of anybody. I loved for who the person was, and that was precisely why you never got any specific answer whenever you asked “why do you love me” (something that you were disappointed about). If I were in love with a mental image of you I would've held on much longer wouldn't I?

two days in a row-

yes, 我很怕, 我真的很怕. please do not play that song while we are walking anymore.

只好让回忆短暂的炫耀-

我关上了门   最后一次听你说我们
熟悉变陌生   把我往记忆里扔
我应该习惯   你离去的眼神
才能让失去你   变得更完整

窗外的街灯   还在努力掩饰著早晨
我的叹息成全了   整夜的苦闷
我该努力   习惯这样的气氛
才发现失去了   爱不用再等

我知道   我的一切你已不想要   继续在乎只会让你想逃
我不相信这全是种煎熬   原来离去是那么难预料
找依靠却没有我想要的好   我的等待换不到你拥抱
只好让回忆   短暂的炫耀
原来任性对彼此都   不好

清晨的街灯   翻开了城市中的心闷
我的等待成全了   整夜的苦闷
我努力在   你的回忆里狂奔
才了解失去了   爱不用再等

我知道   我的一切你已不想要   继续在乎只会让你想逃
我不相信这全是种煎熬   原来爱你是那么难预料
找依靠却没有我想要的好   我的等待换不到你拥抱
只好让回忆   短暂的炫耀
原来任性对彼此都   不好

多想再一次   紧紧的拥抱   就算给我   一秒也好
一秒可以给多少   我都想要

让回忆继续   反复炫耀   原来失去对彼此都   不好

http://chanqiyu.blogspot.com/2013/12/blog-post_29.html

为何一切到了终究还是空-

 

昨夜的雨   惊醒我沉睡中的梦
迷惑的心   缠满着昨日的伤痛
冷冷的风   不再有往日的温柔
逝去的爱   是否还能够再拥有

漫漫长路   谁能告诉我
究竟会有多少错
何处是我最终的居留

曾经在雨中对我说   今生今世相守
曾经在风中对我说   永远不离开我
多少缠绵编织成的梦
多少爱恨刻画的镜头
为何一切到了终究   还是空

 

 

 

yk and yl were right, we all need some form of closure to get on with our lives. but how on earth...

最后的最后-

short and lacking in content, but probably the last piece of my heart that you're going to see. and a bit early too because I don't want to end up brooding on this all day.

alles Gute zum Geburtstag. 祝你幸福, 快乐.
für immer Dein,
mich.

what is important to me-

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?"
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"...
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make $100 an hour."
SON: "Oh! (With his head down).
SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow $50?"
 
The father was furious.
 
DAD: "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

DAD: "Are you asleep, son?"
SON: "No daddy, I'm awake".
DAD: "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $50 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.

SON: "Oh, thank you daddy!"

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: "Why do you want more money if you already have some?"
SON: "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do. Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $100 worth of your time with someone you love? If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

Some things are more important.

奔向各自的幸福和遗憾中老去-

 

最怕空气突然安静

最怕朋友突然的关心

最怕回忆突然翻滚绞痛着不平息

最怕突然听到你的消息

 

想念如果会有声音

不愿那是悲伤的哭泣

事到如今

终於让自已属於我自已

只剩眼泪还骗不过自己

 

突然好想你

你会在哪里

过的快乐或委屈

突然好想你

突然锋利的回忆

突然模糊的眼睛

 

我们像一首最美丽的歌曲

变成两部悲伤的电影

为什麽你

带我走过最难忘的旅行

然後留下最痛的纪念品

 

我们那麽甜   那麽美   那麽相信

那麽疯 那麽热烈的曾经

为何我们

还是要奔向各自的幸福和遗憾中老去

 

突然好想你

你会在哪里

过的快乐或委屈

 

突然好想你

突然锋利的回忆

突然模糊的眼睛

 

最怕空气突然安静

最怕朋友突然的关心

最怕回忆突然翻滚绞痛着不平息

最怕突然听到你的消息

 

最怕此生已经决定自己过没有你

却又突然听到你的消息

---

不断的告诉自己
希望还是能够知道你的近况
倘若真让我知道
又是否会快乐呢?

带着如此的怕过着每一天
能算是真正的开心吗? 
或只不过在对自己, 对身边的人强颜欢笑呢?


只不过, 只不过
偶尔...
突然好想你.

you made me a trekkie-

was watching the 2009 Star Trek movie and found that I was unable to watch beyond the death scene of George Kirk. really disturbed right now as I really like Star Trek a lot and I don't want start to avoid it like some other movie/novel.

seriously man.

lies, deception and escapism-

am I really progressing or am I just deceiving myself.
what did I do to myself/my life in the past one year??
If I had seen this coming why am I struggling so badly??


世界若是那么大   为何我要忘你   无处逃?
世界若是那么小   为何我的真心   你听不到?


bullshit, ben, you're just full of bullshit.

to my lost best friend-

As much as I've been working hard in the past month to keep myself busy and positive, there are just times when I simply cannot keep up with myself.

Just read this piece that made me think a lot and (to be honest) feel quite awful right now:

Hey there, stranger.

It’s been a very long time, which I’m sure you’re aware of. I’d like to say that it was your decision alone to keep this distance, but I think we both know it was for the best. I’d like to say that I’m glad you are well, but as we both know I have absolutely no idea how you are. The one thing that can definitely be said is that when we cut ties, we leave no strand behind, but slice right through until we no longer remember how to find each other. It’s amazing to think that once we were inseparable, the best of friends.

You knew me inside and out, and I, you. We were there for each other in the best of times and through the most difficult of times. We definitely managed to put each other through hell on occasion, but when support was needed the most, support was given. Until, of course, that final day. I sometimes find myself wondering why we couldn’t stay in touch. Would it be so bad if we got together for coffee from time to time? Or if we gave each other a ring to see how the other was doing?

Using the phone to make calls has become archaic, but surely we could send a text to wish each other a happy birthday? Or a happy New Year? I mean, we’ve been through so much. You are a part of my life and there is nothing I can do to ever change that.

You can’t be forgotten because forgetting you would be like forgetting myself — impossible. But then again, maybe you are right. Maybe we are better off as far apart as possible. We know we aren’t right for each other. We know it would never work, and we know the friendship we have — we had — created a bond that would make slipping back into romance too easy. It would make repeating the same mistakes too likely, repeating the same heartbreak certain. That’s what it really comes down to: It’s not my heart that I’m worried about, but yours. Breaking my own heart would be my responsibility to bear, but I can’t once again be responsible for breaking yours.

So all that I can do is wish you the best. Wish you a great, bright, loving future. Wish you to find the lover of your dreams and to create a lifetime of your fantasies. I wish for you to find a friend as great as me, but a much better partner. One who won’t drag you through the mud. One who you won’t feel the need to bury with guilt. I wish you all the best and although you will never read this, although we will never speak to each other again, and although you are out of my life forever, I wish you nothing short of happiness.

Never again to be yours, 

Your Lost Best Friend

[Hudson, P. (2014). An Open Letter To My Ex: How A Best Friend Becomes A Stranger. http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/an-open-letter-to-my-ex-how-a-best-friend-becomes-a-stranger/]

... I wish I knew how you are right now. ):

for He is risen today-

Easter greetings from Venice!
Arrived at 5.30am in the morning and have nowhere to go because I cannot check-in to my accomodation yet, so sitting in Macdonald's now.

Had this hymn ringing in my head all morning and was humming it to myself (I probably looked like a madman) while walking/roaming around Venice in the early morning:

基督耶稣今复活  哈利路亚
天使世人齐述说  哈利路亚
快乐凯歌声高扬  哈利路亚
诸天大地同唱和  哈利路亚

荣耀君王墓中起  哈利路亚
死啊 毒钩在哪里 哈利路亚
主献身救众灵魂  哈利路亚
死亡权势今何存  哈利路亚

爱之救赎已完成  哈利路亚
战争完毕获全胜  哈利路亚
死亡岂能封主坟  哈利路亚
基督开了乐园门  哈利路亚


feeling slightly joyous and very 感恩 today.
still feeling very apologetic (to you) for what happened yesterday though, 对不起 :/

insufficient apologies-

I'm sorry I was so harsh with my words. Suddenly thought what if it happened to me/how I would react and that thought suddenly felt too much for me to handle.

I still hope you are fine. I'm very sorry, please take care.

it makes my day to make yours-

spent my saturday morning two weeks ago hard at work, doing some things to hopefully brighten up the days of the people close/important to me.

these efforts are never in vain. neither is anything expected in return. all I hope is that when each of you receive it, it brings up a smile on your face, or gives you some warmth in your heart; even if it's for a really brief moment. (,:

this probably is the only way to let you all know that I love each and every one of you, and to thank all of you for being in my life <3



auntie: you were right. knowing that you have brightened up someone's day really makes us happy (: stay happy alright? ^^

that one again-

so glad that 关怀方式 made it to #110 of the U选一千 list. a little sad that not a lot of people actually credit 蔡礼莲 as the original singer for that song since most people think 朱茵 sang it :/

#109 made me jump and mute my computer immediately. again for reasons unknown I still feel the fear for listening to/hearing that song. I'm functioning okay as things are right now I really don't want/need it to screw up my day. maybe one day it will be just another song to me, but not today, sorry.

maybe it's a sign to stop procrastinating and leave my house right now to print my air tickets D:

that is where your gifts lie-

"there are so many opportunities to serve.
choose the opportunities which bring the most joy to your heart. that is where your gifts lie."

... where is it exactly? is it really where I think it is, or am I just leading myself to think that way?

weakness-

i'm really sorry. couldn't control my moment of mental weakness. sorry.

awake-

worst dream/nightmare since I got here. F*** myself.

overheard on air-

some food for thought-

当一个人是你所爱的, 他的眼泪会让你心碎, 无助；
当他不再是你所爱的时候, 同样的眼泪将让你无动于衷。

爱一个人, 是不是难免 会陪上眼泪的呢?

...

你是否，曾有过一个会为了你而掉泪的人呢?

你值得真正的快乐-

 

 

人群中哭着   你只想变成透明的颜色

你再也不会梦或痛或心动了

你已经决定了   你已经决定了

你静静忍着   紧紧把昨天在拳心握着

而回忆越是甜   就是越伤人了

越是在手心留下   密密麻麻   深深浅浅的刀割

 

你不是真正的快乐

你的笑只是你穿的保护色

你决定不恨了   也决定不爱了

把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳

 

这世界笑了   于是你合群地一起笑了

当生存是规则   不是你的选择

于是你含着眼泪   飘飘荡荡   跌跌撞撞地走着

 

你不是真正的快乐

你的笑只是你穿的保护色

你决定不恨了   也决定不爱了

把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳

 

你不是真正的快乐

你的伤从不肯完全的愈合

我站在你左侧   却像隔着银河

难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了

然后才后悔着

 

你值得真正的快乐

你应该脱下你穿的保护色

为什么失去了   还要被惩罚呢

能不能就让悲伤全部结束在此刻

重新开始活着

 

to the one who took the pains to share your story - I dedicate the very last stanza to you;

let this be a reminder to both of us, jiayou :)

convenience-

finally decided to try the mobile blogger app instead of using irritating mobile chrome every single time I blog using my phone. the GUI is a bit too simple but at least it gets things done.

went to play badminton in school on a sunday morning but the multi-purpose hall was booked. So we set up a make-shift court in the dance studio using rubber tapes/bands as the court lines, and poles with tied bands stuck on dumbbell weights as our net :,D
dance studio ceiling was really short so we had half of our shuttlecocks stuck above, and spent a lot of time after throwing boxing gloves attached to rubber bands to try to get the shuttlecocks.
healthy/active lifestyle does work better in keeping me occupied and think less --> feel better (:

 

to you: I hope you aren't offended/angry/awkward after what I said, this was why I tried so hard to phrase my "answers" to you properly so much so that it forever seems like a roundabout mess of rubbish.
my answer in short (which I hope you will not see): I think I take long to move on to others, but that's only because you're still special to me? I don't think there's anything to 'fight/compete' with/about, after so many years I thought you would know that best. in the case that you still happen to see this, I hope you finally know what I'm talking about.

buck up-

my source of comfort when I feel moody/down:

listening to this always gives me a 说不出来的安慰, especially when I'm feeling moody/down or weary. sometimes we need to have the faith of little children; the innocent, undoubting faith.

very thankful for the people I've met/friends I've made the past few days, be it during SG Day (yes you, really very thankful for friends like you), on the megabus trip to Brussels, on the day trip to Ghent and Brugge, or in Brussels itself. the past trip has led to me thinking and learning a lot about what I'm subjecting myself to, and what I actually want for myself/in my life.

time to buck up, ben-


p.s. that was my nephew singing <3

trudging through everyday-

5.5 months and counting.

waking up to battle my mood and emotions everyday is an uphill task. sometimes it seems trying to keep myself busy is starting to lose its effect.


ich vermisse dich...

想对你说的话-

歌词完全描述了我的心声

真希望你能听到...

maybe this was something i really had to learn-

"...contentment comes from unconditional love.

When you love conditionally, you have to keep deciding if the other is worthy of your love. You can never let go of your guard enough to be content. Why not decide once and for all, and love once and for all. And be content."


if only...

我从来都不想自由-

拥抱爱 想被你疼爱
这专属的浪漫
没想过要离开   习惯有你的陪伴

怎么到最后   两个人不合拍
话题只剩无奈
关系变不自然
越来越礼貌对待

当我们不再为爱歌颂   挥霍说好的梦
曾依赖的手   已不再温柔   我还能要什么

我从来都不想自由
一个人过的简单
也许轻松   却还是寂寞
多希望再被爱感动
幸福都只剩空白
未来画面多精彩   不值得期待

还是好朋友   都只是藉口
安慰的话别说
不如保持沉默   离开了都别回头

当我们不再为爱歌颂   挥霍说好的梦
曾依赖的手   已不再温柔   我还能要什么

我从来都不想自由
一个人过的简单
也许轻松   却还是寂寞
多希望再被爱感动
幸福都只剩空白
未来画面多精彩   不值得期待

是谁爱的太用力   忘了当初多珍惜
失去后才懂得   勇敢的资格   多让人不舍

我从来都不想自由
一个人过的简单
也许轻松   却还是寂寞
多希望再被爱感动
幸福都只剩空白
未来画面多精彩   不值得期待

要你知道在我的心里面-

习惯在每一天　比你醒来早一点　轻轻吻着你熟睡的脸
让你张开双眼就能看见　我温柔的笑靥

喜欢在你耳边　说话声音小一点　慢慢贴近你温热的脸
让你可以靠在我的胸前　就好像拥抱整个世界

对你的爱永远多一点　就算用尽一生的时间
你会感觉到我就在你身边　不论有多远

对你的爱永远多一点　就算用完仅有的缘份
也要你知道在我的心里面　我好想再爱你一遍

bits and pieces-

it starts today.
little by little, bit by bit.
sometime, somehow.

on another note, I've been having this radical idea floating in my head. not the best idea, but worth considering I guess.

想你的夜-

你知道吗？
没有你的日子我有多想你

分手那天
我看着你走远
所有承诺化成了句点
独自守在空荡的房间
爱与痛在我心里纠缠
我们的爱走到了今天
是不是我太自私了一点
如果爱可以重来
我会为你放弃一切

想你的夜
多希望你能在我身边
不知道你心里还能否为我改变
想你的夜
求你让我再爱你一遍
让爱再回到原点

回来吧   我等你

couldn't be happier-

If only I could say the same about myself as well, but it's not true for me. It's just so difficult to get on with my day-to-day matters without struggling a bit each day.

Resisting the urge to talk to you a bit every short while is a difficult task I set for myself. Call it neediness or idiocy if you must, I just can't bring myself to be nonchalant about everything.


Neun. Zwölf. Vier. Immer.

beautiful praises-

there's truly nothing more beautiful than little children spontaneously praising the Lord.

sis sent me a video of my nephew singing 这一生最美的祝福 with some really cute facial expressions. recently this song somehow never fails to make me tear up; it still does, but with this video on top of any other emotions I have, it's a heart full of thanks for this amazing boy who has a heart for God at such tender age.

argh-

it couldn't get any more superficial that this. why can't it have even a slightest bit more of effort and meaning? I really want to know / am concerned but this, it's just useless.

back to reality-

On the bus trip back from Lapland right now. Few days away from reality to marvel at the work of God's hands at the Levi fell, Skibotn etc.
如果你如同本子一样和我一起看见、经历这一切, 那该有多好...

The past one week has been fun and fulfilling, and to some extent a bit useful in reducing the occurrences of my brain wedgies. Still find it challenging to get to sleep every night though, haven't had a good dream-less sleep in quite long and I'm getting pretty exhausted. Doesn't help that I have an exam literally right after I reach home in Hervanta. 4 hours of rest and off I go for exam.

Read this thought-provoking article on the bus a short while ago;
They are truly blessed to have each other to 共渡此生.
[Read: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2564088/Together-end-Husband-holds-hands-beloved-wife-60-years-died-hours-apart.html]


on another note:
I truly thank God for the presence of the few of you in my life. You know who you are, I am truly grateful <3

这个世界, 我们一起逛-

许多的人事物虽已不再,
念的还是那曾经拥有的缘分。
别人眼里普通,破烂的一个记事本,
却是收藏这些对我来说非常重要的点点滴滴的宝。

回首时微笑也好,
掉泪也好,
这个本子将陪着我走遍天涯海角。
今天到北级圈去也不例外;
背包里带着本子,
把本子当成你的缩影,
一起去看这个世界。


... 你现在还好吗?

eurgh-

omg stupid song stop ringing in my head...

那些年-

used to be a song I really liked a lot.
but now when my roommate plays it everyday,
and I find myself having this fear of the song,
and actively trying to escape from listening to it.
be it walking away from it,
or just blasting something else louder.

maybe I'm just afraid of 触景伤情,
but maybe I'm really just running away/escaping.

a little message each day-

a little message I receive each day
as I set aside a short period of time for God and myself;
a little message that tells of His love and faithfulness;
have faith and get better, I tell myself,
even though these are things I still struggle with;
but day by day I will reflect, learn and grow,
and hopefully I will walk through this someday.

a testimony by Darren Lim and Evelyn Tan that a friend shared on facebook, and it really spoke to me tonight. sit through all 25 minutes of it if you can and hopefully it speaks to you too.

time count-

four months on... I still miss you.

short film-

 

a very well made short film by Wacoal (yes, the undergarment brand).
her unconditional love for the child was really touching even though the child isn't hers (spoiler alert).
爱孩子的女人真的最美丽。
(alright, I'm equally touched/impressed by guys who love kids too)

 

like I was recently reminded of when I posted my photos with little Leo taken when I attended church here in Tampere, children are indeed gifts from the Lord;
儿女是耶和华所赐的产业，所怀的胎是他所给的赏赐。(诗127:3)

seeing the love my Greek church friend and his wife had for their own and others' children was a very encouraging and heartwarming sight, something less seen in people of the younger generation, like them and ourselves nowadays.

 

we really have much to learn.

food for thought-

God's messages come in so many different ways everyday... I am thankful for these people in my life who have been used to send these messages to me, directly or indirectly.

Heard this while listening to a song my sister linked me, which was good food for thought for myself. maybe being alone in the apartment these few days isn't that bad after all, at least it gives me the chance to 静思-

每当环境的冲击像海啸一样临到的时候,
你要将眼目单单注视你的神,
因为这正是神新的工作季节的开始。
你要等候， 因为神会将得胜的意念放在你的心中；
你要展翅， 因为神会把机会摆在你的面前；
唯有祂， 能够带领你飞越风暴，重新翱翔。

lunchtime thoughts-

solitude is pretty much double-edged.
it gives you the much needed me-time for thoughts, reflections and recovery from the ever-exhausting social interactions;
but it also highlights the emptiness in yourself...

I'm still far from being able to live independently.

无怨无悔有几人-

如果一切靠缘份　何必痴心爱着一个人
最怕藕断丝连难舍难分　多少黎明又黄昏
就算是不再流伤心泪　还有魂萦梦牵的深夜
那些欲走还留一往情深　都已无从悔恨

早知道爱会这样伤人　情会如此难枕　当初何必太认真
早明白梦里不能长久　相思不如回头　如今何必怨离分
除非是当作游戏一场　红尘任他淒凉　谁能断了这情份
除非把真心放在一旁　今生随缘聚散　无怨无悔有几人

---

老歌
往往把心声描述得最贴切...

truth-

saw this random note of reminder/advice today, pondered about it and realised how true it was, hah.

"when you ask for advice, ask from those who had achieved mastery themselves.
Ask advice on relationships only from friends who have deeply fulfilling relationships. Ask money advice only from those who are wealthy themselves. Ask advice on kids from your parents only if you are happy with the way you've been raised."

managing my own thoughts-

为什么我就是放不下...
just typing random stuff to talk to myself
心里这个莫名的空虚要如何填满?
to cope with the emptiness within...
I really want to talk to/chat with you to keep myself going but I don't think that's going to be possible. how else do I 走下去/push myself on... help.

thank you-

Received a postcard from a friend and a parcel by my parents yesterday. On a day/week that I really struggled with in terms of keeping my emotions and mood in check. Psychological support just at the time I probably needed them most. whose timing can be more perfect than Yours?

 

Postcard from a friend posted on the 6th of January but came arrived at the same time as my parents' parcel.

"You've got mail!"

 

Parcel from my parents... look further.

CNY goodies to ward off the CNY blues-

 

肉干!

 

 

 

... and more CNY goodies!

 

Went to Tokmanni after my oral examination to buy a container so I can slice my 肉干 into small pieces :)

a walk of faith with Him each night-

I was brought to a Youtube video for the soundtrack of a Hwach college song called "Never Forget" (<3), from where I noticed the original songwriter and his blog/site, his songs, as well as the little faith nuggets he shares from time to time, which sparked many thoughts within me.

 

"神所要的祭就是忧伤的；神啊，忧伤痛悔的心，你必不轻看。"
(诗 51:17)

Indeed, a broken and contrite heart, Lord, you do not despise. The past one month (especially the past two nights) has been hard for me still, even though I keep telling myself to make the best of the rare chance to be here in Finland for exchange. What I often overlook, however, is God's grace and mercy in my life thus far - family members who stand by me, church co-workers who share advice & experiences with me and even cry with me, best friends who are perpetually there for me at any time of the day.

As much as I can share my (limited) experiences and God's words with his little lambs at sunday school, I often forget/do not apply those lessons to my own life. even at the core level - the lesson of faith - is something that I am particularly weak in.

Perhaps it is because my life has really been pretty smooth sailing the past 23 years - anything I set my heart on, I try to work for it and I achieve it. Thus when I encounter a setback as large as I did my faith simply wavered and I allowed myself to succumb to my feelings of grief and disappointment and loss the past 3 months. During this period of time God used the people around me to constantly remind me of His words and lessons He wants me to learn but my stubbornness made me turn a deaf ear to it.

Even though I'm still oscillating between ups and downs, and on occasion am still going through extreme lows on some days (coupled with a certain degree of homesickness), I'm thankful nonetheless that on nights like these I get led back to timely reminders of His love and grace for me.

P.S. (you're 8 years my hwach senior and we don't know each other but) thanks Galvin Sng for your posts and sharing of God's word. (http://www.galvs.net/2013/03/faith-nugget-69/)


be patient ben-

while having a period of personal worship and quiet time late at night (since I can't find any English nor Chinese services here)...

"我的恩典够你用的，因为我的能力是在人的软弱上显得完全。"
(歌后12:9)

如果，如果 -

如果大海能够唤回曾经的爱
就让我用一生等待
如果深情往事你已不再留恋
就让它随风飘远

如果大海能够带走我的哀愁
就像带走每条河流
所有受过的伤 所有流过的泪
我的爱 请全部带走

 

 

歌词 - 无言中表达情感，无形中找到共鸣 的唯一方式...

ice cream-

eating ice cream downstairs in -15°C weather after dinner in sleeping pants and slippers. next time without the down jacket.

ice cream does work as comfort food to cheer oneself up.

 



tired-

i'm still struggling to keep up with everyday. it's getting pretty tiring.

and this is actually the 100th post since I moved over to this blog. so many things have happened since I moved my blog over here, so many memories. I miss them all...

心情写照-

So many things going through my head recently. Guess yuanx is right, it's good to write them down somewhere to express/发泄 what I'm feeling, so I started this 心情写照 folder so I can write down all these mixed feelings of mine. One day, maybe one day someone, somewhere will understand what I'm writing and going through...

寂寞寂寞就好-

exactly what I'm doing right now. really didn't feel like going for the pub crawl so I'm at home blasting nice music that fits my mood now.

今天。三个月前。

a thousand years-

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died every day
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

 

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

kaipaan sinua-

after a hectic week of settling down I finally have time to slow down and take a breather. things have been fun, people have been nice and all but at the end of each day I still find myself feeling really hollow. desperately finding things to do each day just to keep myself positive but as the post-arrival honeymoon period passes it seems I'm back to square one again.

I treasure and love where I am right now, but there are really some places I would give anything to be at this very moment.


记得照顾好自己, 希望你一切安好;
真的, 真的很想念你.

雪花飘-

walking in the snow by the lake at night was beautiful. so quiet, so serene, would've been so romantic.

wenn du nur hier waren...